The toxic need to win arguments, no matter the cost
Plus: Some really good TV to binge, and an introduction to our new family member
Dear Jasper,
Actually, dear readers: I’d love to know if I’m weird for this following trait or if it’s very common? – the dogged desire to win squabbles, even when it doesn’t serve me.
I have often been told that I am formidable in a fight, in a way that is not a compliment. My brain speeds up. I become more articulate. I have an encyclopaedic memory for past events that support my claims. I suppose this would make me good in a courtroom (my father is a lawyer, which is probably where I get it from) but when it comes to relationships, it just makes me a dick.
I can’t help it, though. I get a perverse pleasure out of counting the number of times someone makes the same mistake. For example, Julius, my dear husband, has a number of habits that annoy me (don’t we all?), but instead of just being pissed off when he leaves his boxers on the floor or allows the kitchen sponge to marinate in dirty dishwater, I also feel a sick sense of triumph. HA! I AM VINDICATED. HE KEEPS DOING IT EVEN THOUGH HE SAYS HE’LL STOP. I AM NOT MAKING IT UP, I AM JUSTIFIED. I don’t think he has the same reaction when I, for the seven millionth time, don’t screw the lids back onto jars; I think he just rolls his eyes and moves on with his day.
I get the same feeling with people who are consistently late. Or if someone I find to be suspicious actually does the thing I was worried they would do. I WAS RIGHT! SEE! I AM A GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER!
Most recently it happened when the landlord from our last short-term rental tried to keep almost the entirety of our deposit even though we did no damage. I’ll spare you the details, but we’d been warned by others that they’d try this, and when they did, it lit a familiar fire deep inside me and I went into full-on barrister-mode. In this instance, it worked, and we got our deposit back.
Less jubilantly, I also touched upon it when I wrote about falling out with my best friend (who I still miss, by the way, even five years on):
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