Am I not doing this right? On forever finding life very difficult
Plus why being diagnosed with ADHD was so transformative and how we finally found a nanny!
Dear Jasper,
If there’s one sentence that has forced itself to the front of the jungle that is my mind more than any other since becoming your mother, it is the following:
Am
I
Not
Doing
This
Right?!
Everything from breastfeeding (which took nine long months to get right) to sleep (you still never make it through the night without waking several times), and plenty in between. I look at other mothers, who seem to be able to juggle their babies with the cleaning and the cooking - sometimes even while wearing make-up or proper clothes; in extreme cases both - and then, at the end of a long day, are able to socialise or catch up on emails or be nice to their husbands… Lord, there are women who do all of these things simultaneously.
And I just wonder, were they taught something I wasn’t? Read a book I haven’t? Or - and this is what I usually surmise - are their atoms just better assembled than mine? Was I simply born in a way that is incompatible with the expectations of society?
Because honestly, it’s not just since becoming a mother. I’ve always had this taunting suspicion that I’m missing several vital components which, were I to possess them, would make normal life relatively straightforward to navigate. Mostly, it’s an internal monologue that gets very loud in certain situations; the making of small talk, for example. Not just with strangers but also people I know.
Is my face doing the right expression for the conversation we’re having? Did I answer that question in a satisfactory manner? Should I offer you tea? Would a normal person have offered you tea by now? Does the fact that I haven’t offered you tea make me a bad person, or just a lazy person? And so on.
Occasionally, though, it’s not just in my head. I remember teachers at school often looking at me, exasperated, and saying things like…
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