On being paralysed by the to-do list
... and diagnosed with autism
Dear Jasper,
I am in the grips of a horrific bout of executive dysfunction. Which is a fancy-sounding symptom of being neuro-spicy and basically means I am catastrophically overwhelmed and can’t get anything done.
The conditions are perfect at the moment for an absolute fucking meltdown.
You see, I do operate very well under pressure and in the face of scary deadlines and tyrannical bosses. But they have to be RIGHT THERE IN MY FACE JUST ABOUT TO EXPLODE.
Currently, I have more to do on my to-do list than I possibly ever have. In three weeks, we are moving halfway across the world from Mauritius to Italy. Before that, we have to sell almost everything we own on various interweb platforms, which involves pricing and bargaining and coordinating with strangers (yuck). We have to stuff the rest of our belongings into a maximum of nine suitcases, and prepare our two cats and a dog for the flight, which involves vet trips and documents and crate training (ghastly). I am also in the process of launching my Moonsuit business (exciting but scary), and trying to keep my job as a freelance journalist afloat; which involves writing articles and appearing on nerve-wracking podcasts. And parenting you, Jasper. I must also learn Italian.
Quite a lot, no?
Enough to make me feel sick with the quantity of it all, but not quite close enough to the deadline (our flight, on April 17) to push me into superpower mode. And I only have two modes, the other being this one: inertia-struck, with an itchy brain and stomach knots.
I recently got diagnosed with high-functioning autism, by the way, which was very interesting and certainly explains a lot. But I hope you, Jasper, don’t get it. I haven’t really uncovered any upsides to it. With ADHD, there are perks. Rolled into all the chaos comes creativity and access to the aforementioned superpower mode. I know that because when I take my ADHD medication, it succeeds in making me much more ‘normal’ and able to function like other people, but it also makes me boring and renders my writing dry. I’m covering this topic for the Daily Mail next week.
The autism aspect explains why I hate socialising so much, why I’m so frank, why I have weird obsessions and aversions and have generally gone through life feeling so deeply uncomfortable. None of which are ideal qualities. But it’s good to have a better understanding of it. This I am writing about today for The Telegraph.
Anyway, on that note, I’d better get back to staring blankly at my horrid to-do list, opening and closing tabs, pacing up and down a lot, scurrying to the fridge to nibble on chocolate, and generally achieving very little while burning maximum mental energy.
I will leave you with three recommendations, which are:
To watch The White Lotus. I’m on season three and it’s sublime. The sharp writing. The fantastic music. The excellent cast. The gripping plot. I don’t care who you are or what you’re into, you will almost certainly find it to be a good use of your time.
To read Walter Isaacson’s biography of Elon Musk. I feel like lots of people hold very strong opinions about Musk without knowing much about him and this book is fascinating. He comes across as an absolute psycho to work for but also probably the smartest, most capable human alive; and I, for one, would be honoured to have him rummage through my government in the interests of optimising it for the better.
To start using AI, if you’re not already. I am very resistant to trying new things, especially when people make a big fuss about why I should, so I’m late to the party on this one. But Chat GPT is morphing into a rather useful friend of mine. I don’t care if it takes over one day and destroys humanity because at heart I am a nihilist with quite a lot of disdain for humans.
I hope you though, dear reader, are doing a heck of a lot better than I am.
Love,
Annabel
P.S.
In the news this week: Donald Trump has been slapping tariffs on other countries like there’s no tomorrow; the EU has warned every household to stock three-day crisis survival kits (maybe there is no tomorrow?!); and a man who was caught having stolen 70 Creme Eggs from a petrol station has been banned from the entire county of Cambridgeshire (he was obviously preparing for there being no tomorrow).
Fun fact of the day: I asked Chat GPT for ‘an interesting random fact’ and it gave me one that I do indeed find interesting: “Did you know that honey never spoils? Archeologists have found pots of honey in ancient Egyptian tombs that are over 3,000 years old and still perfectly edible. Honey's longevity is due to its low moisture content and acidic pH, which create an environment that inhibits the growth of bacteria and other microorganisms. This remarkable preservation quality makes honey one of the few natural foods that can last indefinitely when stored properly.”
Highlight of the week: Getting my husband back from his latest six-week stint on the ship he works on in Antarctica. Aside from being a good father to you, Jasper, and making me laugh, he is currently outside washing and selling things.
Low of the week: Learning that the mortgage on the flat I bought five years ago in London is about to more than double, thanks to current interest rates, which will start ruining my finances as of May 1.