Temu made me buy it: Is this crazy cheap Chinese shopping site a scam? I found out

Plus: the items that are (and aren’t) worth buying

Dear Jasper,

I am not usually an idiot when it comes to buying shit things online from China. But this month I was finally seduced - no doubt brainwashed by the tirade of ads - into ordering from Temu, which is a huge, fairly-newly-famous, insanely cheap online shopping platform. From China. 

I live in Mauritius where they don’t have Amazon or eBay or Etsy, which is where I buy everything from in England. I HATE the lack of Amazon in particular, because I worship at the altar of Jeff Bezos. I care not that he is probably a prick and that he ruins small businesses. I say this even as a person who is soon to launch my own small business. There’s no getting around it, Amazon’s selection is epic, the reviews mostly reliable, the prices good, the shipping fast and the customer service sublime. 

Anyway. Shopping in Mauritius is an almighty pain. I quite often need to source very niche items (e.g. at the moment: edible markers, silicone baking mat, magnetic whiteboard) and it is nigh impossible to do this because you can’t hunt online, you have to actually go to a variety of far-flung shops to check for things and I simply do not have the time or patience for it. 

So, I rolled the dice with Temu, and rather than test the waters with a small trial run, like a sensible person might, I went all-in and ordered ALL THE THINGS. Plus more. It took about a month for it to arrive, in several packages, but everything is here now and I have a verdict. 

If I look tired it’s because I am. You are to blame, little one.

Some of the stuff is awful and quite a lot of it is great (scroll down for the details*). Indeed, many of the products are exactly the same as the ones that end up on Amazon/eBay. The truth is that pretty much everything comes from China these days, including the shit, medium and excellent quality items. Temu’s business model is that it cuts out the middleman and allows you to buy direct from wholesalers. Your job is to figure out what is going to be junk and what isn’t.

Shopping on Temu is an art. I feel qualified now, so if you are on the fence, here are my seven top tips…